I've sort of been killing time, waiting to get the "okay" from my supervisor that I can go ahead with the next step in my fundraising process. Well, I got the "okay" today, and was immediately filled with more anxiety than the last time I had to tell a guy I liked him (and I think we all can sympathize with how terribly distressing that conversation can be). I achieved new levels of anxious, unlocking new bonuses like +5 trembling and +17% chance to vomit. Seriously. It was bad. Up until today I really hadn't felt too much anxiety regarding this whole process. I knew, intellectually, that this was going to be difficult and challenging. But somehow I was emotionally removed. I think perhaps, until today, all of my fundraising was a future event. And because it was in the future, I didn't have to deal with it yet. So I sort of postponed all the feelings until today when the future suddenly became NOW and I had things to do. So first I made a list of the things I need to do, the first three of which were calm down, pray, and breathe. Then I started doing the things I need to do, because luckily God has given me such a strong sense of duty and responsibility that I will always do what I need to regardless of my emotional, physical, or mental state. As I did so, I tried to figure out exactly why I was so anxious. Am I scared I won't be able to be funded? I don't think so--I believe God will do it. Am I scared of being rejected? I don't think so-- I have a lot of practice with that, and no longer fear it. Am I scared of this taking a long time? Partly, but not enough to account for the enormity of my emotions right now. And so on. As I attempted to introspect- my way to understanding, a song played on my iPod in the car. With every line playing I felt my anxieties evaporating, and surrendered control to God. Take a listen to the song below--it's quite good. This is what happens when you realize you're not in control. I am not in control. I can try to be in control, I can pretend this is everything I thought my life would be like when I graduated, and attempt to control the pieces in my life. Or I can admit that I'm not the one in control. Some days I may find it easy to do so, and other days I may find everything overwhelming. And that's okay. (Yes, it's another Reign of Kindo song. I swear I don't work for them, and they don't pay me anything. it's not my fault that everything they write is incredibly Relevant and Relatable, two favorite words of most Christians) Rachel Fruit and Labor
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