I had an epiphanic moment today when reading the first few verses of James. A moment that made me sigh outwardly and swear inwardly, because dangit, I hate realizing things like this. I realized that I'm "suffering a trial" because I prayed for it. Again. It's not the first time this has happened. My sophomore and junior years of college I was really made aware of how selfish I am, and how in the depths of my heart I really didn't want to follow God at all. I still followed him in action, but it was tinged with resentment that I was usually not aware of. So I frequently prayed that God would "grow in me a heart for Him and only Him, one that was truly able to die to myself." Or some such thing. And then God warned me that I was going to suffer and I endured a period of spiritual warfare that, at the time, I could not understand why I was being forced to endure. It continued until the last day of December in 2012 while I was worshiping at a missions conference and finally, honestly prayed "God, even if this is what the rest of my life is like, it's worth it knowing I can worship you wholly and completely unreserved in this moment." The attacks immediately ceased for the first time in months and I was bewildered. I was in sole possession and control of my own mind again. Why did they stop so abruptly? Did I learn something? What was the point of this? A few days later God reminded me of my earlier prayer and showed me that those months of suffering were a direct response to my prayer for a new heart. While my heart certainly isn't perfect and pure yet, it was a big step in Him making me new. And now today, reading the beginning of James. Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing God suddenly brought to mind my prayers during my last school year for maturity. I had looked at my call to ministry and found myself woefully inept. I, who will have been a Christian just 4 years this December, called to lead other Christians? To teach, to guide, to challenge-- what right do I have? How can I be trusted to lead correctly?
I've studied what Scripture says about those who lead, and the consequences for those who lead poorly; they terrify me. I have a very real, very holy fear when it comes to being a godly leader. So I prayed. "Lord, please. If this is truly where you want me, you must equip me. Grow me. Give me the wisdom and maturity necessary to guide them towards you, because I know I do not have it. Please God. I know I am the weakest, so use me as a direct testament to your awesome power." God showed me that my prayer was directly related to what was happening now. So God answered my prayers. Great. Woohoo. Huzzah. Hold on while I fetch my confetti canon. Because instead of rejoicing that God answered my prayer I feel more like crawling into bed. Why? Because God's promise to make us "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" isn't something I want. I want it when it means a mystical, Holy-Spirit gifting; I want it when it means God waves his magical wand and I'm suddenly blessed with everything necessary to be The Perfect Christian Woman. I don't want it when it means suffering. It didn't occur to me at the time that when I prayed to be made holy that I was also praying to suffer. I should count it joy that God has heard me. This is proof that He has, and that He is responding. Everything I'm experiencing is from Him and ultimately for my good. But I'm not yet perfect and complete. I still lack a lot. So instead of rejoicing, I want to cry because if this is from God it's going to continue on until His work is complete. So I'm trying to choose gratitude when I don't feel it. It's hard to be thankful when things suck, and it's even harder to be thankful for the fact that they suck. It's hard to view everything as not actually being sucky, but being a blessing instead. But I'm trying. I'm trying to focus on the end goal-- the day I fully arrive in union with Christ. I'm trying to remember that it's good when God answers prayers, even if good is one of the last adjectives I would use to describe my feelings. Trying. And if God has His way, it may even become genuine one of these days. Rachel Fruit and Labor
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I hate being wrong. Who doesn't? I especially hate when I mispronounce words. There are just so many words that I've only seen in writing--but they are fantastic words. I usually avoid them because I don't know how to say them, which is too bad, because there are some really great words. But far too many times I've tried to say a word, and then been mocked for mispronouncing it. Fine then! I'll limit myself to a pedestrian vocabulary just to avoid being wrong. But even more than that, I hate being wrong about God's direction in my life. I'm not a person who throws around words like "God's call" or "God's will." I rarely say the phrase "and then God told me" (though once I received a vision from God. Imagine how much that freaked me out). I usually say things like "I think God's showing me this," or "I believe the Spirit revealed that." And to me, that's enough to take action as long as that action lines up with Scripture. I don't need a pillar of fire in order to do something that honors God. I don't need the "OK" to volunteer or serve--rather, I already have that permission from Scripture. But to categorically claim that something is from the mouth of God is, to me, a very scary thing. It's blasphemy to put words in God's mouth that he never said. I never want to do it. I have a very real fear of putting God's stamp on anything that he doesn't endorse. I don't want to profane His decrees in that manner. This means that if you ever hear me say "God is calling me to this" I am very, very sure of it. My heart is too sinful and my mind too wild to trust everything I think that I hear or feel. That makes it hurt so much more to be wrong. How could I be so strongly convinced of something that wasn't true? I'm always so cautious. I pray, I discern, I ask for council. My plan of action is endorsed by Scripture. I do all of the right things! How can I be following Scripture and still be wrong? Two choices here: 1. I wasn't truly listening or following God in the first place. I was mistaken. 2. I'm actually correct, and everything else right now that makes it seem wrong is the lie. And this is what I obsess over. Am I following God's will here? Or am I following my own? I agonize, I pray and worship, falling down weeping. What is it that I'm following here? Because even if I'm pursuing the thing God wants, is that why I'm doing it? Or am I doing it because I want it for another reason? Is this action God's will? Am I right? Or wrong? Where am I going, and why am I going there? Is this right or wrong? But I don't actually think that being right or wrong is the most important question. Now, those are all really good, really helpful questions to be asking. They can help us reflect and discover more about our hearts. It is really important, obviously, to discern whether our motivations are pure, or whether we picked the right fork in the road after all. Do not misunderstand what I'm saying. But I think it might be more important, for one moment anyway, to set aside that question. Just for a minute, forget about whether your chosen path is what the Lord wanted. Think instead on the option you do not want to take. Think about how much you fear remaining in the same place you are. Think about the anxiety you feel when you imagine changing directions so drastically. Imagine the trials, imagine the hardships, imagine the things you will have to face if indeed God calls you to this thing that you least want to do. Now, answer this: If this is what God is calling you to, is it worth it? Is it? Is it worth it. Is following God worth the worst possible thing you think might happen. If following God means surrendering your dream of marriage and being celibate; if pursuing Jesus means fighting your depression every single day for the rest of your life; if carrying out God's will means that you're going to have to spend years in a place you don't like, with your desires unfulfilled; is it worth it to know that you are heading towards the day where you will arrive in the kingdom, having been continually made holy in bringing glory to Christ by doing his will, united at last for eternity with the wonderfully incomprehensible Triune God? Is it worth it? Because it has to be. it must be if we are truly following him at all. If we are taking up our crosses and dying to our selves, then following God must be worth every possible sacrifice. We must say "yes, You are worth it." Because as you continue to discern, it won't matter to you whether you were right or not. Being right or wrong matters very little in the pursuit of something so much greater. Because now it isn't about whether you correctly discerned God's will, but instead about whether you want to. This is the question that truly helps us see what it is we are seeking. Even if you say "You know, I'm not sure if it's worth it. But God, I'll do it anyway if you say so. I choose to trust You even though I don't see how it's worth it. I trust your Word that it will be." It is when you say, "no. it's not worth it" that you should fear. Because if it's not worth it, then there is something in your life you aren't willing to sacrifice to God, an idol you are holding onto. You're not following God anymore-- you're following that thing instead. If in your heart you are answering "no, this isn't worth it and I will not do it" you must question whether you're really following God at all. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. We find what we seek--this is a promise. As long as we truly seek God then, however many mistakes or wrong turns we make, we will continue to find God. It might hurt. We many not escape without very real consequences of our choices. But no matter what choices we make, we will ultimately end up finding God.
And that's such a comfort, really. It takes away some of the pressure when discerning whether I was right or wrong, whether I heard God or I was led away by my own heart. What I did in the past doesn't matter now, because I haven't fallen away. What matters is what I'm going to do-- if I am choosing to seek God no matter the cost, then whatever the result of my discernment is, I can have peace. Because I am still seeking God, and no mistake on my part is big enough for me to lose my salvation. If I'm seeking God, then no matter how badly I misunderstand His will, I can trust that He will readily correct me and continue bringing me closer to my goal of total unity with Him. Rachel Fruit and Labor |
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