I've sort of been killing time, waiting to get the "okay" from my supervisor that I can go ahead with the next step in my fundraising process. Well, I got the "okay" today, and was immediately filled with more anxiety than the last time I had to tell a guy I liked him (and I think we all can sympathize with how terribly distressing that conversation can be). I achieved new levels of anxious, unlocking new bonuses like +5 trembling and +17% chance to vomit. Seriously. It was bad. Up until today I really hadn't felt too much anxiety regarding this whole process. I knew, intellectually, that this was going to be difficult and challenging. But somehow I was emotionally removed. I think perhaps, until today, all of my fundraising was a future event. And because it was in the future, I didn't have to deal with it yet. So I sort of postponed all the feelings until today when the future suddenly became NOW and I had things to do. So first I made a list of the things I need to do, the first three of which were calm down, pray, and breathe. Then I started doing the things I need to do, because luckily God has given me such a strong sense of duty and responsibility that I will always do what I need to regardless of my emotional, physical, or mental state. As I did so, I tried to figure out exactly why I was so anxious. Am I scared I won't be able to be funded? I don't think so--I believe God will do it. Am I scared of being rejected? I don't think so-- I have a lot of practice with that, and no longer fear it. Am I scared of this taking a long time? Partly, but not enough to account for the enormity of my emotions right now. And so on. As I attempted to introspect- my way to understanding, a song played on my iPod in the car. With every line playing I felt my anxieties evaporating, and surrendered control to God. Take a listen to the song below--it's quite good. This is what happens when you realize you're not in control. I am not in control. I can try to be in control, I can pretend this is everything I thought my life would be like when I graduated, and attempt to control the pieces in my life. Or I can admit that I'm not the one in control. Some days I may find it easy to do so, and other days I may find everything overwhelming. And that's okay. (Yes, it's another Reign of Kindo song. I swear I don't work for them, and they don't pay me anything. it's not my fault that everything they write is incredibly Relevant and Relatable, two favorite words of most Christians) Rachel Fruit and Labor
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It's probably bronchitis. I've been stuffed and coughing for weeks (either from a cold or allergies) but it has reached level 35 and evolved into Bronchitis. Lovely.
I have this love/hate relationship with being sick. I hate it because, obviously, I don't feel well. Right now my breathing is even more restricted than normal. When I get up to walk across the room, I'm winded. I went downstairs and that was a bad choice, because once I got up the stairs I was gasping for air (for perspective, there's less than 20 stairs). I don't sleep well because I'm coughing and wheezing. My environment is pretty toxic at the moment. But part of me almost likes being sick. People don't expect anything from you when you're sick. Nobody hounds you about the things you need to do, nobody demands to have your time, nobody asks you why you haven't done X yet. Instead, they tell you to rest. Sometimes I feel guilty when I take time to rest. There's so much to do, how can I possibly be resting right now? I'm letting people down. I'm irresponsible. I actually prayed during the school year that I would get really sick so that I would have an excuse to stop doing things (shocker, it didn't work. God made me learn how to deal with my own things). When I'm sick, I have the built in excuse to not do anything and rest, because i'm physically incapable of doing very much. Of course, part of me hates that. I really hate feeling useless and weak, which is exactly what happens when you're sick enough. I can't accomplish anything. I haven't even fully unpacked my room because I have to sit and rest after unstacking the boxes from move-out; I get too winded. I'm usually bad at accepting care from others. I'm much better at it when I'm sick. It makes it harder when there isn't someone around to take care of me and I still have to take care of myself even though I'm weak. But it really does remind me of my utter dependency on God. Even the days I think I'm strong and capable I'm really no better than when I'm lying on the floor gasping for air. I need Him jut as much, and I'm better at accepting everything He offers when I recognize how weak I really am. But I do hope I can breathe by the time staff training rolls around next week. I'd rather not infect my neighbors. Rachel Fruit and Labor P.S: Yeah, those were intentional subtle pokemon references. In pokemon Red and Blue for gameboy there's a rocket guy in Silph co. who says "that's right, KOFFING evolves into WEEZING!" As a kid, I got pneumonia right after I spoke to that guy in the game. For years I was convinced that talking to him made me sick. I usually battle every person I can, but I would always skip that guy because I was afraid I'd get pneumonia. My heart rate still increases when I battle him now (YES I STILL PLAY MY POKEMON BLUE) So I'm single. I've been single my entire college career.
And that's weird. I didn't exactly plan on dating someone--I just sort of assumed it would happen, the way you don't really plan on hanging out with your friends on a weekend. You just know it's going to happen, and then once it's Friday you go to your people and say, "hey, what are we doing tonight?" It's assumed that it's happening, and everyone knows that it's happening without too much conscious effort until the moment you have to make a choice of what to do. Some days I am able to be thankful that I'm single. Going on IV Staff is easier because I'm single. I don't have to worry about remaining in a certain location--I can go where ever I am needed. It's easier to fundraise for only one person. I don't have to try and plan a wedding while I'm graduating. I'm pretty autonomous and free, which I can appreciate. Some days I am honestly grateful, and celebrate it. Sometimes it also really sucks. Partly because it seems like near everyone is dating. It was harder earlier in the year when the dating culture reached a point where I had three (3) and only three friends who were single. Some have broken up now, and I feel a little less like an anomaly. It's also hard because I want to be in a relationship. I know I want to get married, And with 12 couples that I know getting married within the next year, it's hard not to feel like I missed my chance. Which is stupid, really, I'm only 21. I am certainly not an old maid. It's hard because it's something I really desire (this from a girl who just over a year ago thought she might be called to singleness and was ecstatic about it. God is unexpected). I want to get married, I want to be a wife and mother. It's this incredible mystery I cannot fathom and I want it. Not having it can leave me feeling terrible. So there's this thing I do sometimes to feel better. I have this tendency to get wrapped up in my brain. My imagination runs rampant and suddenly I'm off inside my head and slightly dissociated from reality. I over-think and over-analyze and trap myself in my thoughts. This can either by hyper-productive, or extremely negative. Because of this, I sometimes get in one of these episodes where I am trying so hard to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning, or what God is doing right now. Why would you tell me that I can start dating? Why would you tell me I am going to get married? Why would you reveal these things, and then keep me single for so long? Did I miss something? Maybe you told me BECAUSE it's going to be a long time. I bet this is a test of faith! I probably won't get married until I'm in my 40s! Ahhh, I see what you're doing. So then, what do I do with that man over there? I'm lonely. How come everyone else gets to get married except me? and on and on and on. Pretty self-centric, right? Right. In response, I pray. I tell God I trust Him. I tell Him I'm trying really hard to mean it, to act like it even on the days I don't feel it, because sometimes that's the bigger trust. I try to let go and trust His timing. I ask Jesus to help me let go. All the usual stuff you'd pray. I also try perspective taking. It started out as an accident. I was in front of the mirror one day getting ready for bed and was praying. I don't even remember what it was about. But I was overcome with this massive surge of urgency. I swear, I thought about everything. The wars internationally, sex trafficking, the political unrest, the way our government is, wondering if they'll be a revolution in my lifetime, I thought about sexual violence and abuse, I wondered how long it will take our generation to get out of debt, I thought about the things I see on my facebook newsfeed from my peers, I thought about racism on campus and worldwide. I thought about so many things and it kept snowballing bigger and bigger. I was overwhelmed, and could only pray in desperation, "Please, Lord, come soon." And when I thought about those things, I (finally) stopped thinking about myself. Having a boyfriend seems relatively inconsequential compared to the state of the entire fallen world. All I want is to be part of redeeming even the smallest part of that, by starting with one person whose life can be redeemed by Christ. My choice in spouse, no matter how important and big and crucial that decision truly is in my life, is little compared to the redemption of the earth. I cannot make myself despair over being single when I feel despair over the state of the earth. I cannot be hopeless over being single when I am filled with hope for Christ's next coming. I still want to get married someday. That didn't change. But my perspective did. If I find myself inflamed with any passion for dedicating my life to seeing the Kingdom on earth, if I garner any hope from entrusting the fallen world to Christ, surely I can trust Him with my personal future, too. Rachel Fruit and Labor |
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