I'm very certain I had a prophetic dream once (or at least certain as you can be about these things). It was shortly after I became a Christian. I remember waking up from it being able to recall each vivid detail-- the oppressive weight of water while I was submerged, the comfort of being carried, the feelings of betrayal and bewilderment followed by curiosity. It was of a wildly different species than any other dream I'd had. I could recall every sensation, every image, every moment.
A few days after I had it, I took it to Kelsey because I couldn't get it out of my head; it's like it was imprinted in my mind. I told her the whole thing and we discussed what we thought it might mean-- "The number 3 is significant, obviously-- And you said there were three pools of water? How were they different again?" There were too many options, too many interpretations, and eventually we shrugged and accepted that maybe we'd never know what it meant. Year later, I still remember that dream with vivid clarity. I still think about it sometimes, trying NOT to try to figure out what it meant. See, I like to know things, to understand things. I like correctly interpreting words and signs-- and with all my English-major training, I'm generally alright at doing that in books, movies, and stuff like that. Which is why it's very difficult for me to accept that I usually don't know what God's doing in my life. I like to think that I do, but I'm generally missing the larger picture while I focus on one tiny lesson. It's hard for me to deal with the truth that obedience doesn't require understanding. It's not a prerequisite. How many stories are there in the Bible where people acted without understanding God's will? Too many. I'm seeing this play out most tangibly in my devotional life right now. I want to understand what God is doing in my life more than I want to spend time with Him. So when I get out my Bible in the morning, i find myself distractedly trying to see my life in the pages rather than see the Lord. I want to understand what God's doing so that I can read the Bible. When in truth, I don't need a reason other than the fact that it's commanded. This takes a great deal of faith, but obedience definitely seems like a less-sexy version of faith compared to the people who move across countries and take dramatic risks. It's quiet. It's humble. It's everything I suck at, basically. Advent is coming up--the season of joyful expectation. I've been thinking about how I want to mark this liturgical season, and it seems like an apt time for me to practice joyful obedience, expecting that God will reveal himself at the appropriate time. Rachel Fruit and Labor
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