I went to a wedding last night and it was really beautiful. The bride and groom were stupid happy, and it was so wonderful to see how much they loved each other. But if I'm being real, the part of the wedding where God met me was through my table buddies.
I ended up at a table with several people I knew, but two took a special interest in me; they're IV people. I haven't really talked with any IV staff about anything since I was told I couldn't do it anymore. Probably one of the hardest parts about not doing staff anymore was the way I sort of got.... dropped by everyone. Like since I wasn't staff anymore, I wasn't part of the community and so they didn't have the time to spare to care for me. Which I understand on an intellectual level, but was still really hard to deal with. These two lovely people hadn't heard I wasn't on staff anymore, so I gave them a quick summary and was ready to move on. But they weren't-- which at first I found mildly irritating, but I soon grew thankful for. They did some things that gave me a great lesson on how to hear/help people. 1. Start from empathy. One of the first things this lovely woman did was come near to me and ask about grief. "I've definitely been in a similar situation, and I know how hard it is. You're grieving a lot of things. People didn't let me grieve. Have you been able to?" I assured her I had done enough grieving for several people, but I was very deeply touched. She empathized. Christians have this tendency to jump right into the "how to move onward and forward" part. She was acknowledging the hard emotions that need to be felt. "Not that you can stay there forever," she added at one point. "Obviously that's not good, and if you had stayed in that place until like, next year, that'd be a problem. But when shitty things happen you need room to process it." 2. Distinguish what's in their control and what isn't. "Those things weren't your fault," he said. "Those things just sort of made you a victim of circumstance." In any situation, there's usually distinct things that are in our control and things that are not. Sometimes when you're in the situation it's hard to tell the difference between the two-- either you blame everything else for going wrong, or you think it's all your fault. Neither of those are usually true, and it's helpful when someone else can distinguish the two. It shows you what's in your power to change, and what you have to let go. 3. Practical help to move forward. (Disclaimer: this is the part that Christians tend to jump to far too soon. Consider whether the person is here yet before pushing them to it. Learn to hear if they are ready). "So what are you doing next?" When I told him I didn't really know, and had only vague ideas about far-off goals, he immediately dove in. "Let's look into that, with where you are now. Let's see what your options are and what you can do." The important thing about pushing someone to move forward is that it is not you telling the other person to figure it out on their own. Is he going to hold my hand and walk me through everything? No. But too often Christians give empty spiritual-sounding platitudes and think we've done our part. Imagine you throw someone into a darkened labyrinth, but they don't know that; all they know is that it's dark. "Hey, you're in a maze and need to find your way out! The exit has 3 big stones near it, and when you get closer the wall has moss. But you have to do it in the dark and I can't come in" is significantly more helpful than "God will guide you! Bye!" God is woven into everything we do, but we can't forget that for now we are also physical beings and there is often practical help we can give, even if that help is just pointing in a direction. "I know someone you should talk to. She's got almost an identical story to you. Can I set the two of you up?" 4. Love them and have fun with them. I wish I lived near this woman because I would be best friends with her. After a very tearful discussion, she didn't treat me like a pitiful looking stuffed animal that used to be someone's favorite, but got left in the rain so now it's all muddy and could really use a run through the washing machine, but will probably never be as fluffy as it used to. She was a friend. We joked and made sassy remarks, and plotted how to leave the reception early (because apparently we are Old People). Don't stop living with them. Don't stop loving them well. Fun in community is incredibly healing, and often exactly what the person needs. Here are four ways I felt heard and seen at this wedding that I wasn’t actually invited to. Four ways that God spoke to me and gave me direction through two lovely individuals. These are things I want to think about when I try to help other people-- I thought you might like them, too. Rachel Fruit and Labor
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