Remember when I said I was done posting about singleness? Apparently I lied. I guess I have more to process because it's still difficult.
There's a lot about being single that's difficult. The Friday nights alone playing minecraft and sipping rum and coke, trying not to feel like a friendless loser because everyone in your friend group is having Date Night. Going stag to a wedding and ending up at the back table because all the couple crammed around one, and there's not even one space left for you. Holidays. But I think what I personally find the most difficult about being single is feeling like I'm nobody's priority. I'm not really upset that I'm home alone on a Friday night-- staying in and playing video games is my idea of a good time. I'm upset because this is the third weekend in a row I haven't been able to hang out with my friends because, whether I like it or not, their spouse/dating partner takes priority over me. I don't actually care about not having a date to the wedding, but it hurts that there is literally not a place at the table for me, because it's a couples-only table; they get priority seating because from a purely logistical standpoint, it's easier to organize seating for a large group of people when you do couples and families first. I get it. I do. I understand. I try (and usually fail) to gracefully accept this. I find being single difficult because I feel overlooked and forgotten. And obviously that sucks, because as people we want to be loved-- and to be fair, we were made to be Loved. What makes it even worse is that when singleness is acknowledged in the church, it's often to call upon on us to serve. Now, I like volunteering. I like serving. I think it's important to make those needs known and recruit help within the church. But nothing makes me feel so devalued as when I'm am entirely ignored until you need something from me. You're nobody's priority, but everybody still expects you to serve them because of your fabled unlimited time and resources. Nobody wants to invest in actually being in community with you, but they have the gall to come up and for service. It hurts, and makes me downright angry. "How dare you. Is that what I am to you? A convenient solution to your problems? Do you even remember my name? Don't you want to know me? Do you even care about me?" But I guess one of the blessings in singleness is feeling God's pain as He feels all those things, too. He felt them first. He feels them most. When I feel like grieving over my singleness-- not because of a desire for a romantic relationship, but out of pain from feeling forgotten and rejected-- I try (fruitlessly) to comprehend the magnitude that God must feel over all of us rejecting him. Grief, for the loss of all the people who are meant to love him but don't. Wrath, for the injustice of the way we wrongly deny him and then demand his service. Heartache, for the continual rejection each day we don't prioritize him. And so many more. Because how often do any of us really prioritize him? Everyone continually tries to tell me that singleness is a gift because we have more time and freedom and money. This has always left a sour taste in my mouth; they also always say marriage is a gift because you gain a greater understanding of God's love and devotion (also, sex. They always mention sex). Time and freedom are certainly benefits of singleness, but how can it not seem second-place to a deeper understanding of God's devotion? But singleness isn't second place in God's eyes. And maybe it's not, because the gift of singleness is sometimes lies in understanding God's love and devotion though his pain over us. I can't always see singleness as a gift the way marriage is seen as a gift. But this is something I can understand-- that by taking on more of the cloth of Christ, we become more like him. And just maybe, crying into my rum and coke can be part of God's work in that. Rachel Fruit and Labor
0 Comments
I want to drive fast with the windows down, car-dancing with all my friends. Join me.
Rachel Fruit and Labor |
Archives
November 2019
|