I love to figure things out. I have a tendency to approach things as though they are a puzzle that I need to solve. This includes packing a ton of equipment into my car in a way that resembles 3D Tetris, actual puzzles, and social interaction.
And sometimes I spend a lot of energy trying to figure out God. I think that’s relatively normal. When you love someone, you want to know everything about them. You want to understand what makes them happy, what they get excited about, anticipate how they respond to different situations, and how they communicate. The thing is, I can never figure out God. He’s too unexpected. But I really love that. Several months ago, I was prompted to pray for God to reveal a specific aspect of His character to me. So I began praying regularly to better understand God’s providence. I want to understand the way he provides because I doubt it; I doubt that He will care for me. I fear the future because I’m scared that God won’t provide what I need, won’t give me wisdom and guidance and care. And I know that He doesn’t deserve it—I can cite Biblical examples of His amazing providence. But it isn’t something real to me, and I don’t like the unbelief in my heart. When I was praying, I think what I was actually praying for was that God would start providing answers to all of my problems, and start giving me everything so that I wasn’t in need anymore. Because if He did that, then I’d have proof that God provides. But because God is so exceptionally wise and good and loving, and I am so far opposite that, He didn’t answer my prayers that way. Instead, God has been increasingly revealing how utterly sinful I am. Don’t you love it when God answers prayer? I can see some awful things in my heart that I don’t like. I feel exactly like Paul in Romans 7:15, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” I recognize when I sin, and I ask myself why on earth that just happened when I didn’t want to. I don’t want to sin. But no matter what, I always sin. I cannot be without sin. At first, I did not like my heightened sensitivity to my own sinfulness. Who would? It makes me feel extremely lowly, inadequate, undeserving, like I am destined to bring only hurt to those around me and never a modicum of good. And I don’t especially enjoy it now, either, but there is just one thing. By becoming aware of how great my sinfulness is, I am increasingly aware of my need and dependency on God. And before I can understand how He provides, I need to first understand my own depravity. Only once I know the extent of my need can I see how he fulfills it. This is what God is showing me right now. And despite everything, I find within myself a joy and gratitude that I didn’t have as much of before. Or perhaps it didn’t permeate as deeply. Either way, I am learning more about the God that I love. The unexpected God who knows what I need before I ask for it, and knows me well enough to give me what I need when I ask for the wrong thing. The unpredictable God who is consistent in answering prayers, but unanticipated in the response. This is who I love. And even as this path takes me through the muck of my own sin, I am surprised to find that I don’t shy away from it; I want to go forward as fast as I can to learn from my Lord and Savior. Rachel Fruit and Labor
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
November 2019
|