"For I know the plan I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." If you're a Christian, chances are you fall into one of two camps regarding the above verse:
1. You cross-stitch that bad boy onto every wayward throw pillow you can find. You put it on bookmarks and give them to all your friends. You write it across your mirror with a dry-erase marker. This is the nuclear bomb of Biblical encouragement, and there's no reason not to drop it. 2. Every time you see this verse, you immediately scream "CONTEXT!" and proceed to tell everyone how this was actually not told to an individual, but rather to the collective Israel. And, it was actually about suffering, so all your throw pillows are really telling the story of exile under the Babylonians. Good thing you were there to correct everyone's misuse of Scripture, putting an end to that encouragement. Well, I actually heard a sermon on Jeremiah 29:4-11 today. I've never heard someone preach on those verses, and it was a welcome change. The pastor didn't fall into either of those categories-- he actually fell into both. He talked about how the Israelites were exiled. He talked about how, in those verses, God says He is the one who exiled them. Some of the Israelites were probably angry with God-- they likely felt as though they trusted Him, and He had betrayed their trust. "You were supposed to protect us! How can we trust you anymore?" Others were angry at the Babylonians, at Nebuchadnezzar, at those they perceived had put them here. Both groups were missing the point-- that God was the one who allowed this to happen, in order that he might refine their hearts. He talked about how, though they were exiled, God commanded Israel to buy houses, plant gardens, marry, have kids-- essentially put down root because their exile was going to last for a long time. In fact, it ended up lasting 70 years. He pointed out how God told the Israelites, God's chosen, holy, and set-apart people, to settle in Babylonia and pray on behalf of the Godless city where they lived. And God promised that all of this was part of His plan. He promised that some day, He would come for them, but that day was far away. They needed to trust Him, because His ultimate plan was to prosper them. In the midst of their feelings of betrayal, God told them to trust Him. Instead of focusing on how to get out of Babylon, He wanted them to focus on His plan for them, and this city. I managed not to cry at church last week (for the first time in a few months). There goes my streak. Because yes, that's exactly how I feel. I feel like God called me to IV staff, and even though I was scared I followed. I trusted Him to come through for me. Instead, I feel like he has abandoned me, sending me into exile on the other side of the state. I feel cut off from my spiritual family, ignored by most of my dearest friends and mentors-- I've lost track of just how many have said something to the extent of "Sorry I've been distant. I'll try to do better!" and then.... not. I want to be angry at them. I want to blame them, like Israel blamed the Babylonians. But God is the one who is allowing this. I don't want to put down roots here, regardless of the fact that I concluded a short while ago that I would have to. I don't want to get a new job at a bank or something; I want to do my ministry full time. I don't want to live in this house and pray for my family because I'm so tired of praying for people who I know love me, but cannot fully understand me and so question everything I'm pursuing. In short, I don't want to see what God's doing in my heart right now because it's painful and I hate it. And I'm torn, because I do honestly desire holiness. I want the LORD to refine me. I want this above all else. But in the thick of it, there are days when I think I can't handle it anymore and I'd rather give up. I understand why few enter by the narrow gate; because the road up ahead is marked with sharp daggers and flames.* Because the precision work God does in our hearts is painful in ways that force us to decide. This is why there is no way to be halfway a Christian-- either you allow God to carve out the cancerous growths in your heart no matter the pain, or you leave. I'm not leaving. I hope my exile doesn't last 70 years. I hope God can help me align my heart to His will instead, that my hidden idols will be exposed and excised. I hope can learn not to hate this. Rachel Fruit and Labor *direct quote from The Thrill of the Fall, by The Reign of Kindo. You thought you read a post from me where I didn't mention them, didn't you? Wrong.
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I had this really nice Advent post all written out-- long, wordy, and multi-faceted just the way I like. And then I read Christena Cleveland's post here. You should just go read hers. It's everything I wanted to say, but she does it in a far better way than I was able to (as well as shorter, as I'm sure you will all appreciate).
I love advent. I hope you all can experience the wonder of observing a liturgical calendar. There's something powerful when an entire church unites in going through different seasons and times throughout the year. We're united with people around the world in our longing for Christ. I know it, and I feel it, too. Rachel Fruit and Labor I had an epiphanic moment today when reading the first few verses of James. A moment that made me sigh outwardly and swear inwardly, because dangit, I hate realizing things like this. I realized that I'm "suffering a trial" because I prayed for it. Again. It's not the first time this has happened. My sophomore and junior years of college I was really made aware of how selfish I am, and how in the depths of my heart I really didn't want to follow God at all. I still followed him in action, but it was tinged with resentment that I was usually not aware of. So I frequently prayed that God would "grow in me a heart for Him and only Him, one that was truly able to die to myself." Or some such thing. And then God warned me that I was going to suffer and I endured a period of spiritual warfare that, at the time, I could not understand why I was being forced to endure. It continued until the last day of December in 2012 while I was worshiping at a missions conference and finally, honestly prayed "God, even if this is what the rest of my life is like, it's worth it knowing I can worship you wholly and completely unreserved in this moment." The attacks immediately ceased for the first time in months and I was bewildered. I was in sole possession and control of my own mind again. Why did they stop so abruptly? Did I learn something? What was the point of this? A few days later God reminded me of my earlier prayer and showed me that those months of suffering were a direct response to my prayer for a new heart. While my heart certainly isn't perfect and pure yet, it was a big step in Him making me new. And now today, reading the beginning of James. Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing God suddenly brought to mind my prayers during my last school year for maturity. I had looked at my call to ministry and found myself woefully inept. I, who will have been a Christian just 4 years this December, called to lead other Christians? To teach, to guide, to challenge-- what right do I have? How can I be trusted to lead correctly?
I've studied what Scripture says about those who lead, and the consequences for those who lead poorly; they terrify me. I have a very real, very holy fear when it comes to being a godly leader. So I prayed. "Lord, please. If this is truly where you want me, you must equip me. Grow me. Give me the wisdom and maturity necessary to guide them towards you, because I know I do not have it. Please God. I know I am the weakest, so use me as a direct testament to your awesome power." God showed me that my prayer was directly related to what was happening now. So God answered my prayers. Great. Woohoo. Huzzah. Hold on while I fetch my confetti canon. Because instead of rejoicing that God answered my prayer I feel more like crawling into bed. Why? Because God's promise to make us "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" isn't something I want. I want it when it means a mystical, Holy-Spirit gifting; I want it when it means God waves his magical wand and I'm suddenly blessed with everything necessary to be The Perfect Christian Woman. I don't want it when it means suffering. It didn't occur to me at the time that when I prayed to be made holy that I was also praying to suffer. I should count it joy that God has heard me. This is proof that He has, and that He is responding. Everything I'm experiencing is from Him and ultimately for my good. But I'm not yet perfect and complete. I still lack a lot. So instead of rejoicing, I want to cry because if this is from God it's going to continue on until His work is complete. So I'm trying to choose gratitude when I don't feel it. It's hard to be thankful when things suck, and it's even harder to be thankful for the fact that they suck. It's hard to view everything as not actually being sucky, but being a blessing instead. But I'm trying. I'm trying to focus on the end goal-- the day I fully arrive in union with Christ. I'm trying to remember that it's good when God answers prayers, even if good is one of the last adjectives I would use to describe my feelings. Trying. And if God has His way, it may even become genuine one of these days. Rachel Fruit and Labor I hate being wrong. Who doesn't? I especially hate when I mispronounce words. There are just so many words that I've only seen in writing--but they are fantastic words. I usually avoid them because I don't know how to say them, which is too bad, because there are some really great words. But far too many times I've tried to say a word, and then been mocked for mispronouncing it. Fine then! I'll limit myself to a pedestrian vocabulary just to avoid being wrong. But even more than that, I hate being wrong about God's direction in my life. I'm not a person who throws around words like "God's call" or "God's will." I rarely say the phrase "and then God told me" (though once I received a vision from God. Imagine how much that freaked me out). I usually say things like "I think God's showing me this," or "I believe the Spirit revealed that." And to me, that's enough to take action as long as that action lines up with Scripture. I don't need a pillar of fire in order to do something that honors God. I don't need the "OK" to volunteer or serve--rather, I already have that permission from Scripture. But to categorically claim that something is from the mouth of God is, to me, a very scary thing. It's blasphemy to put words in God's mouth that he never said. I never want to do it. I have a very real fear of putting God's stamp on anything that he doesn't endorse. I don't want to profane His decrees in that manner. This means that if you ever hear me say "God is calling me to this" I am very, very sure of it. My heart is too sinful and my mind too wild to trust everything I think that I hear or feel. That makes it hurt so much more to be wrong. How could I be so strongly convinced of something that wasn't true? I'm always so cautious. I pray, I discern, I ask for council. My plan of action is endorsed by Scripture. I do all of the right things! How can I be following Scripture and still be wrong? Two choices here: 1. I wasn't truly listening or following God in the first place. I was mistaken. 2. I'm actually correct, and everything else right now that makes it seem wrong is the lie. And this is what I obsess over. Am I following God's will here? Or am I following my own? I agonize, I pray and worship, falling down weeping. What is it that I'm following here? Because even if I'm pursuing the thing God wants, is that why I'm doing it? Or am I doing it because I want it for another reason? Is this action God's will? Am I right? Or wrong? Where am I going, and why am I going there? Is this right or wrong? But I don't actually think that being right or wrong is the most important question. Now, those are all really good, really helpful questions to be asking. They can help us reflect and discover more about our hearts. It is really important, obviously, to discern whether our motivations are pure, or whether we picked the right fork in the road after all. Do not misunderstand what I'm saying. But I think it might be more important, for one moment anyway, to set aside that question. Just for a minute, forget about whether your chosen path is what the Lord wanted. Think instead on the option you do not want to take. Think about how much you fear remaining in the same place you are. Think about the anxiety you feel when you imagine changing directions so drastically. Imagine the trials, imagine the hardships, imagine the things you will have to face if indeed God calls you to this thing that you least want to do. Now, answer this: If this is what God is calling you to, is it worth it? Is it? Is it worth it. Is following God worth the worst possible thing you think might happen. If following God means surrendering your dream of marriage and being celibate; if pursuing Jesus means fighting your depression every single day for the rest of your life; if carrying out God's will means that you're going to have to spend years in a place you don't like, with your desires unfulfilled; is it worth it to know that you are heading towards the day where you will arrive in the kingdom, having been continually made holy in bringing glory to Christ by doing his will, united at last for eternity with the wonderfully incomprehensible Triune God? Is it worth it? Because it has to be. it must be if we are truly following him at all. If we are taking up our crosses and dying to our selves, then following God must be worth every possible sacrifice. We must say "yes, You are worth it." Because as you continue to discern, it won't matter to you whether you were right or not. Being right or wrong matters very little in the pursuit of something so much greater. Because now it isn't about whether you correctly discerned God's will, but instead about whether you want to. This is the question that truly helps us see what it is we are seeking. Even if you say "You know, I'm not sure if it's worth it. But God, I'll do it anyway if you say so. I choose to trust You even though I don't see how it's worth it. I trust your Word that it will be." It is when you say, "no. it's not worth it" that you should fear. Because if it's not worth it, then there is something in your life you aren't willing to sacrifice to God, an idol you are holding onto. You're not following God anymore-- you're following that thing instead. If in your heart you are answering "no, this isn't worth it and I will not do it" you must question whether you're really following God at all. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. We find what we seek--this is a promise. As long as we truly seek God then, however many mistakes or wrong turns we make, we will continue to find God. It might hurt. We many not escape without very real consequences of our choices. But no matter what choices we make, we will ultimately end up finding God.
And that's such a comfort, really. It takes away some of the pressure when discerning whether I was right or wrong, whether I heard God or I was led away by my own heart. What I did in the past doesn't matter now, because I haven't fallen away. What matters is what I'm going to do-- if I am choosing to seek God no matter the cost, then whatever the result of my discernment is, I can have peace. Because I am still seeking God, and no mistake on my part is big enough for me to lose my salvation. If I'm seeking God, then no matter how badly I misunderstand His will, I can trust that He will readily correct me and continue bringing me closer to my goal of total unity with Him. Rachel Fruit and Labor This post a shout out to some of my female readers. This post is for you, or more accurately, for us.
The number of times I have heard the statement, "Guys just don't like girls like me" is far too many. The number of times I have thought it is more. Maybe you think your personality is too strong or perhaps that you're too shy Maybe you don't have the body you want, and you're hurt when you see guys chase after girls who do. You think you're too feminine, or that you're too much "one of the boys" Whatever it is you think, you despair that no man on this earth will care for you. This post is for you. For you who hurt when you're overlooked once again. For you who earnestly prays "Lord, please, let me be content now in singleness" and faces each day with a brave face, trying not to let loneliness win. The one who feels guilty for feeling that Christ's love isn't enough, and shame for wanting a relationship. This post is for you. Or, as I said, for us. We have focused too much on our desires, and not enough about what our desires reveal. I want each of you to think of your day today. Now think of your week. Now the past month, the past 2 years. Think of the absolute hardest things you've gone through in your entire life, and the very pinnacle of your existence when you thought "This moment here, I am truly happy. This is joy." Think of how different you were back then, and remember how 5 years ago you pictured yourself in the future. Notice how different you've actually become. I want you to intimately notice how you have grown into the person you are today. Look at the ways your strengths have grown, look at how familiar you are with weakness-- and because of that, how familiar you are with taking courage. Think on it. Selah Now answer this: Is following God worth it? Is it? Is following God worth it? If you have to relive everything your life has been to up to this moment now, is following God worth it? If you had to re-experience the worst things of your life, is Christ worth it to you? Has everything up until now in your life been worth it to know and follow Christ fully, to grow in understanding Him and submitting to Him? Is it worth it to you? If you can answer "yes," then I ask this: Is following Christ worth it when you're not in a relationship? Is He worth it, even if you never get married? If God spoke to you right now and said that he has a plan for you, but it means giving up your dream of marriage and kids, would following Him be worth that sacrifice? Yes. It is. We know it is because we look back at everything we've been through, and retrospection allows us to say "Everything I have done is what I did. And what I did is follow Jesus." Even in the times we sinned, that fact that we still want to follow God demonstrates the Spirit's faithfulness within us when we waver. In each time we have failed, God brought us back. We know that our entire lives have been spent stumbling imperfectly toward a perfect love. Being confident in this, we can say without hesitation that Christ is worth it. And since God never changes, we know that if he was worth it in the past he shall be worth it in the future. There will soon come a day when we will pray in gratitude, looking back every year we lived. And it will have been worth it. So when we think "guys just don't like girls like me" reframe it to reflect a Biblical truth. Remember everything in your life that tells you Christ is worth it. You must know this intrinsically, must think on this deeply. It must be so rooted in our souls that no obstacle or suffering causes us to falter. We may feel sorrow or loneliness but can be content knowing what, or who, those things drive us toward. For me, Christ is worth depression. He is worth relationships. He is worth losing sleep, losing a grade. He is worth moving home. He is worth reconciling with a friend, and he is worth losing a friend. He is worth working a part time job and living at home while trying to fundraise in a network that thinks everything I love is foolishness. Christ is always and forever worth it. Amen. It's more than knowing that God loves you deeply. It's more than trusting Him with your future. It's even more than that Christ is enough. It's knowing that He has always been enough and He will always be enough. He has been, is, and will be worth it, because that's simply who he is. I AM WHO I AM I AM WHAT I AM I WILL BE WHO I WILL BE YHWH Exodus 3:14 Rachel Fruit and Labor A funny thing happened the other day. I say "funny" because I laughed at myself really hard.
I get lots of emails now that I'm on staff, and even more so these past weeks because the school year creeps dauntingly closer. Some of them make me rather sad, because I get all excited only to realize that I'm not going to be there. However, I got one email this week that was a bit different. It was regarding some staff-like things that I AM going to get to do, like workshops and training and leading things. And I went into hyperdrive. This is how my thought process went as I read the sentences in the email. Keep in mind that I didn't slow down or stop reading-- my mind just flew through all these thoughts. "Alright, I'll pencil you in for that." I get to do a staff thing! Oh my GOSH I get to work with students on this! I get to lead a thing! I'm so passionate about this topic I cannot WAIT to help students see why it's important too! Oh, it will be great. I'll take them through these specific 3 points.... no, 5. Yeah, those 5 important points. To demonstrate each I'll use these examples.... I'm missing one, I'll think of it later. I'll start out with this activity to make them participate. Then content, then I'll give and example and have them critique me. I know exactly how I'll phrase it. The whole thing will take.... 10 minutes. Then they can have practice time with each other, and then with less than 10 minutes left we'll have some brave souls go in front of everyone. Perfect. Oh, I'll have to add a little mini thing near the end of my "lesson" for those that don't feel like this applies to them.... this is how I'll affirm the and encourage them. That will take my teaching time up to 15 minutes..... a bit too long I'll see if I can cut it down later. Boom. done. "You can use my materials or not." There's materials attached? Oh, that's a good idea, I might have missed something, so I can see if I've covered everything that needs to be covered in my lesson. I can double check my mental picture for my hand-out guide against the provided materials for formatting. Do I have to use official letterhead? That might be costly. What's the official font again? Am I responsible for making copies? I need paper. "We can touch base more whenever you want to start thinking about it" ................sorry, does that say "when"? That was the point in time I realized that I didn't need to be planning everything yet. It was cute, really, that they thought I WOULDN'T be thinking already. But then I laughed at myself. When I was an education major I absolutely loathed the lesson planning I did--and it wasn't even that much, because I had only completed Gate 1 when I left. Yet when I saw this email confirmation that I'd get to be working with students I flipped out and had the entire thing planned before I had finished reading three sentences. Passion doesn't always look like excitement. Sometimes passion looks like heartbreak over the brokenness of the thing you want to see redeemed. Sometimes it looks like your best "game face" as you determinedly work toward your goal, despite frustrating obstacles because passion is the only reason you're able to continue on. But I'm thankful that sometimes passion looks like excitement, because I needed to be excited about something this week. Even if it distracted me from more current and pressing tasks I need to do. Rachel Fruit and Labor The genocide in Gaza-- mass killings of Christians and Muslims that "aren't Muslim enough" by an extremist militant group.
The systematic, racialized terrorization in Ferguson in which people are being brutalized and attacked with tear gas and rubber bullets. Basic constitutional rights are being denied, and they are being treated with contempt. Now the KKK is there, and the police don't seem to be targeting them at all. The crowds are rioting and looting. A porn star was horrifically beaten by her ex-boyfriend and people are focusing on her, calling her a slut when she's been hospitalized for severe external and internal injuries because of the ex's actions And this is just some of it. This is all so unreal, that I don't really know what to do. How is this real? How can this actually be happening? How can the world still be in this state? I can't even comprehend the atrocities. I'm almost too overwhelmed to pray. All I can think it Lord, please, come soon. Wipe out the wicked, bring justice for the afflicted. Bring Peace on earth at last as you rightfully reign. Please Lord. Restore us, redeem us. I wish I was capable of more. I wish I didn't freeze in the face of this. I wish I was strong enough to know how to act, how to respond to the massive oppression based upon religion, race, and gender. But it's too overwhelming for me. I don't know what to do. Sharing on social media seems so .... trivial compared to the colossal problems. But that's what I know how to do. So I share links and hit "reblog" and "like" and "upvote." And I hate that that's all I do. All I can do is pray. Rachel Fruit and Labor 1. Moved 12 cubic yards of mulch. 2. Strained back and shoulders due to #1. 3. Accidentally joined a Dancercise class at my church... completely comprised of women over the age of 50 (except for me) 4. Finished reading a few books, including Disunity in Christ, which was quite enjoyable. 5. Began a more intensive regimen designed to improve my finger-picking on guitar. 6. Worked on my overhand serve, so that I may destroy all of my opponents on the volleyball court. 7. Learned that, if I am left unsupervised in an empty church, I have to resist the very strong temptation to explore every single room (especially the ones where they keep sound equipment!). 8. Realized that I have't given much thought to my singleness.... and came to the realization that I finally do not care that I'm single--I only want to serve the LORD. 9. DESPERATELY longed to play The Sims, so that I can build houses. (the original + expansion packs. Not 2 or 3. My dad does computer stuff for a living, and at work they have all these ancient computers sitting around that can't be recycled easily. I asked him to bring me one. Here's hoping!). 10. Began listening to "Welcome to Night Vale," a fictional radio podcast series that quite honestly most of you would not enjoy due to how incredibly strange it is. But how clever and beautiful! 11. Spent time with my first love--words--in reading, writing, song, and podcasts. (I say "first" in the chronological sense, not hierarchical. Christ is my first love hierarchically). 12. Sampled the sunlight each day. 13. Found a Harry Potter dubstep that is not terrible. Rachel
Fruit and Labor “Find the gem,” he said
As I dug my fingers into the dirt hill Ignoring the slivers of stone embedding themselves under my nails I don’t mind the digging, or my bloody fingertips I only mind his statement It presupposes that this hill Contains something other than dirt And I was never one to blaspheme By calling the unholy “precious” Rachel Fruit and Labor |
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