I had an epiphanic moment today when reading the first few verses of James. A moment that made me sigh outwardly and swear inwardly, because dangit, I hate realizing things like this. I realized that I'm "suffering a trial" because I prayed for it. Again. It's not the first time this has happened. My sophomore and junior years of college I was really made aware of how selfish I am, and how in the depths of my heart I really didn't want to follow God at all. I still followed him in action, but it was tinged with resentment that I was usually not aware of. So I frequently prayed that God would "grow in me a heart for Him and only Him, one that was truly able to die to myself." Or some such thing. And then God warned me that I was going to suffer and I endured a period of spiritual warfare that, at the time, I could not understand why I was being forced to endure. It continued until the last day of December in 2012 while I was worshiping at a missions conference and finally, honestly prayed "God, even if this is what the rest of my life is like, it's worth it knowing I can worship you wholly and completely unreserved in this moment." The attacks immediately ceased for the first time in months and I was bewildered. I was in sole possession and control of my own mind again. Why did they stop so abruptly? Did I learn something? What was the point of this? A few days later God reminded me of my earlier prayer and showed me that those months of suffering were a direct response to my prayer for a new heart. While my heart certainly isn't perfect and pure yet, it was a big step in Him making me new. And now today, reading the beginning of James. Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing God suddenly brought to mind my prayers during my last school year for maturity. I had looked at my call to ministry and found myself woefully inept. I, who will have been a Christian just 4 years this December, called to lead other Christians? To teach, to guide, to challenge-- what right do I have? How can I be trusted to lead correctly?
I've studied what Scripture says about those who lead, and the consequences for those who lead poorly; they terrify me. I have a very real, very holy fear when it comes to being a godly leader. So I prayed. "Lord, please. If this is truly where you want me, you must equip me. Grow me. Give me the wisdom and maturity necessary to guide them towards you, because I know I do not have it. Please God. I know I am the weakest, so use me as a direct testament to your awesome power." God showed me that my prayer was directly related to what was happening now. So God answered my prayers. Great. Woohoo. Huzzah. Hold on while I fetch my confetti canon. Because instead of rejoicing that God answered my prayer I feel more like crawling into bed. Why? Because God's promise to make us "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" isn't something I want. I want it when it means a mystical, Holy-Spirit gifting; I want it when it means God waves his magical wand and I'm suddenly blessed with everything necessary to be The Perfect Christian Woman. I don't want it when it means suffering. It didn't occur to me at the time that when I prayed to be made holy that I was also praying to suffer. I should count it joy that God has heard me. This is proof that He has, and that He is responding. Everything I'm experiencing is from Him and ultimately for my good. But I'm not yet perfect and complete. I still lack a lot. So instead of rejoicing, I want to cry because if this is from God it's going to continue on until His work is complete. So I'm trying to choose gratitude when I don't feel it. It's hard to be thankful when things suck, and it's even harder to be thankful for the fact that they suck. It's hard to view everything as not actually being sucky, but being a blessing instead. But I'm trying. I'm trying to focus on the end goal-- the day I fully arrive in union with Christ. I'm trying to remember that it's good when God answers prayers, even if good is one of the last adjectives I would use to describe my feelings. Trying. And if God has His way, it may even become genuine one of these days. Rachel Fruit and Labor
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