I work in a predominantly male environment..... specifically a socially-inexperienced-male environment; as a sweeping generalization, developers aren't always the most extroverted people. These are single adult men, living in a society that tells them not to be emotional or need people, who chose a career where they spend all day alone in their office.
I see the human need for intimacy starkly played out almost constantly. Most of the guys have (at some point) told me "I don't really like people". But once we started getting a group together for lunch every day, they happily took a break to hang out. They'll come to every movie night, trivia night, or weekend brunch. For a group of self-proclaimed loners, they sure like to be social; though at first it's always tinged with a shaky uncertainty of whether they're really included. It also manifests in more damaging ways. I know guys who have never had a close friend--who think they're not capable of close friendships. I see guys falling for the first girl that shows them even the barest of platonic care, because to them it's the greatest affection they've been shown in a long time. Others protect themselves by becoming so cynical and jaded that I think I finally understand what it means to have a heart of stone. Loneliness is killer. Literally. This study found that "The influence of social relationships on risk for mortality is comparable with well-established risk factors for mortality." People are meant to be with people. We have a deep desire to be known intimately, almost as deeply held as our fear of the same. I know I feel a tension between my hopes to be fully known and understood, and my absolute terror that if anyone actually did, that there would be no possible path forward for our relationship. It's one of the terrible and beautiful things about God--that we cannot hide from him, and yet he does not reject us. I more often focus on my fear of the first, rather than remembering the lavish grace that comes with the second. Loneliness is imprisoning. The less you feel known, the less you believe it's possible for someone to know you Sometimes I feel weird trying to minister to my coworkers at a tech company. It's nothing at all like the slums of Kolkata--we have bougie fizzy water in our break room refrigerators. But when I look at them, all I can see how fervently they're seeking for what God can provide them. Rae
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November 2019
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