So I'm single. I've been single my entire college career.
And that's weird. I didn't exactly plan on dating someone--I just sort of assumed it would happen, the way you don't really plan on hanging out with your friends on a weekend. You just know it's going to happen, and then once it's Friday you go to your people and say, "hey, what are we doing tonight?" It's assumed that it's happening, and everyone knows that it's happening without too much conscious effort until the moment you have to make a choice of what to do. Some days I am able to be thankful that I'm single. Going on IV Staff is easier because I'm single. I don't have to worry about remaining in a certain location--I can go where ever I am needed. It's easier to fundraise for only one person. I don't have to try and plan a wedding while I'm graduating. I'm pretty autonomous and free, which I can appreciate. Some days I am honestly grateful, and celebrate it. Sometimes it also really sucks. Partly because it seems like near everyone is dating. It was harder earlier in the year when the dating culture reached a point where I had three (3) and only three friends who were single. Some have broken up now, and I feel a little less like an anomaly. It's also hard because I want to be in a relationship. I know I want to get married, And with 12 couples that I know getting married within the next year, it's hard not to feel like I missed my chance. Which is stupid, really, I'm only 21. I am certainly not an old maid. It's hard because it's something I really desire (this from a girl who just over a year ago thought she might be called to singleness and was ecstatic about it. God is unexpected). I want to get married, I want to be a wife and mother. It's this incredible mystery I cannot fathom and I want it. Not having it can leave me feeling terrible. So there's this thing I do sometimes to feel better. I have this tendency to get wrapped up in my brain. My imagination runs rampant and suddenly I'm off inside my head and slightly dissociated from reality. I over-think and over-analyze and trap myself in my thoughts. This can either by hyper-productive, or extremely negative. Because of this, I sometimes get in one of these episodes where I am trying so hard to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning, or what God is doing right now. Why would you tell me that I can start dating? Why would you tell me I am going to get married? Why would you reveal these things, and then keep me single for so long? Did I miss something? Maybe you told me BECAUSE it's going to be a long time. I bet this is a test of faith! I probably won't get married until I'm in my 40s! Ahhh, I see what you're doing. So then, what do I do with that man over there? I'm lonely. How come everyone else gets to get married except me? and on and on and on. Pretty self-centric, right? Right. In response, I pray. I tell God I trust Him. I tell Him I'm trying really hard to mean it, to act like it even on the days I don't feel it, because sometimes that's the bigger trust. I try to let go and trust His timing. I ask Jesus to help me let go. All the usual stuff you'd pray. I also try perspective taking. It started out as an accident. I was in front of the mirror one day getting ready for bed and was praying. I don't even remember what it was about. But I was overcome with this massive surge of urgency. I swear, I thought about everything. The wars internationally, sex trafficking, the political unrest, the way our government is, wondering if they'll be a revolution in my lifetime, I thought about sexual violence and abuse, I wondered how long it will take our generation to get out of debt, I thought about the things I see on my facebook newsfeed from my peers, I thought about racism on campus and worldwide. I thought about so many things and it kept snowballing bigger and bigger. I was overwhelmed, and could only pray in desperation, "Please, Lord, come soon." And when I thought about those things, I (finally) stopped thinking about myself. Having a boyfriend seems relatively inconsequential compared to the state of the entire fallen world. All I want is to be part of redeeming even the smallest part of that, by starting with one person whose life can be redeemed by Christ. My choice in spouse, no matter how important and big and crucial that decision truly is in my life, is little compared to the redemption of the earth. I cannot make myself despair over being single when I feel despair over the state of the earth. I cannot be hopeless over being single when I am filled with hope for Christ's next coming. I still want to get married someday. That didn't change. But my perspective did. If I find myself inflamed with any passion for dedicating my life to seeing the Kingdom on earth, if I garner any hope from entrusting the fallen world to Christ, surely I can trust Him with my personal future, too. Rachel Fruit and Labor
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