Today was my rebirthday. I didn't tell anyone. This should be a surprise to nobody, because I didn't tell anyone when I became a Christian, either. I just mysteriously started showing up to all the churchy, christiany things that I had previously vehemently refused to attend.
Anyway. The point being, 5 years ago today I encountered God in such an incredible way that I knew I could do nothing but follow him. I was broken and overwhelmed by Him-- I had no idea who I was saying yes to, but i knew that I couldn't deny Him. I didn't do anything particularly special to commemorate that today. I went to church, baked way too many cookies, and attempted to go ice skating with some girls from work (Clarification: I did go ice skating, but the attempt was poor. I suck at ice skating). But I did spend some time reflecting on where I was five years ago, and where I am today. I think I assumed that being a Christian would get easier the longer I did it. Surely the first year would be the hardest, as I realize the depths of my sins. Or maybe the second year, as I begin to grapple with how my life must match my beliefs. Or the third, as I have more responsibility for leading others? How about the fourth, as I try to transition into an """adult""" Christian? The fifth, as I learn what it means to die to self? Truth is, they were all hard. Often in new or different ways than the previous were hard, but hard nonetheless. I know on an objective level that I have been slowly transformed. I'm not the same person who broke down in my dorm five years ago. I know I'm kinder. I know I'm less selfish. I know I seek the Lord more. But it's not enough. My sin still burns. I feel it each time a word flies out of my mouth and I want to take it back. Each time I'm too tired to engage with others, so I'm rude to make them back off. I still hate the dark parts of myself and wonder when God will take them away. Isn't five years long enough? I feel myself asking God. When can I finally get better? When can I be whole? When can I be perfect? When will you fully kill the dark parts of me, and free me to be a better light for you? I can look at myself 5 years ago, and look at myself today. I can see all the ways that God has grown me, and made me holier than I was. But the superiority I have today over myself from 5 years ago is the superiority a worm has over a maggot. Sure, maybe I spend a little more time out in the daylight, but we both still root around in the dirt and the dead things. Neither of us are capable of flying with the eagle. It's hard to know that I'll never fly unhindered in this lifetime. It's hard to be stuck in the dirt, and be told that I need to continually strive for the sky despite never being able to reach it until after I die, having only glimpses of what it will be like. Not fully knowing the entirety of what i'm longing for, because I'ts too big and incomprehensible for such a small mortal. I know that everything God is doing now is making me into a person who will be able to approach Him in eternity, on no merit but that of Christ's. I named this blog "Fruit and Labor" because of these: First, the idea that understanding the Lord is (in a sense) a fruitless endeavor, since I can never full achieve it. Second, because my life is dedicated to laboring for the Lord, for striving and seeking him, and producing fruit on his behalf. When I became a Christian, before I knew who I was talking to, I said "God, if you're real, tell me now. And I will throw away my whole life to follow you." I am sticking to this, even though it will be in the next lifetime that I truly get better. I imagine the next 5 years will be hard, too. I imagine God will continue growing me. I imagine he will stretch me and change me. I imagine some sins will continue to linger and I will feel their burn until I die. But before that day comes, I will keep seeking God regardless of whether I'm growing at the pace I want. Because I want Him. And I need Him, desperately. If nothing else, the continuous burning reminds me of this. Rachel Fruit and Labor
2 Comments
Mr. Weaver
12/16/2015 07:16:48 pm
Rachel!
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Rachel
12/20/2015 05:27:58 pm
Mr. Weaver, thank you for those words. I really appreciate your encouragement!
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